Time was that birds were at the top of the food chain. The entire planet was their hunting ground with seeds and shrimps and succulent primordial worms. Then we appeared with our arrows and slings and the bird population had to assess the situation. As carcasses, I am told we’re quiet delicious. Alive, we litter, which is good too. But when we started flying a century ago, the birds drew the line. The first suicide attack by birds on record was in Pennsylvania in summer 1922. John Prickemmore, a pharmacist who was driving near Harrisburg saw it all. His account appeared in the Tioga Chronicle.
“I saw this bird . Bigger than a crow but smaller than an eagle in front of me. He flew sort of erratically, as if a little agitated. Then this two-engine plane appeared, and the bird went for it. He literally went for it, as if on purpose. By the time I reached the scene, it was all fire and twisted metal. Feathers were everywhere.
Originally, birds couldn’t fly to save their lives. To this day penguins and ostriches cannot. The first ever bird flying school was on a mountain top in southern Afghanistan. It was a modern equivalent of a boot camp, very hard training, special diet and cruel selection. Many are said to have died during the drills. But the survivors interbred, discovered flock aerodynamics, and in due time began tinkering with biological warfare.
The current head of the Bird Biological Warfare Institute is an aging Bali Sterling known as Dr. Crest due to his unusual feathery. He claims to descend from the early aerodynamic instructors who once operated in ancient Afghanistan. He’s middle-aged, slightly stooped and pictures of him appeared on Madrid security cameras moments before a recent spate of bomb attacks. And he demands absolute loyalty.
Have you ever seen a bird looking you in the eyes, without shifting his head? No, they always shift their gaze when we stare at them. Their superiors tell them not to fraternize. It’s a security precaution that was introduced a few years after humans domesticated the first fowl, an act the rest of the bird population cannot get over.
The bird espionage network is extensive. I recently was sitting by the Hilton swimming pool in Cairo when two crows approached, pretending to be looking for bread crumbs and peanuts, their usual cover. A minute later, one of them started circling the nearby Arab League building and making bird signals to the sparrows that inhabit the grounds. That was on the day Condoleezza was in town. Was it a coincidence?
Unlike human spies, birds carry no passports. They nest in homes, churches and mosques all over the globe. They listen in on everything, lurking by window sills, tiptoeing under tables and chairs. They know everything we do, from the Pentagon to Tora Bora. They’re ready to strike, and when they do it will be deadly.
What better time to strike at a race than when it’s divided. And we’re not just divided, we’re distracted. Ask anyone who the enemy is, and they’ll name a state or another human being. How short sighted can one get? Yes, as humans we have our squabbles. Yes we’ve been known to grab each others’ land and wives on occasion. But deep down, humans are ready to compromise. Often, we elope with people from the wrong sect or color when no one is looking. Humans can get along, maybe not in the near future, but give us 5 or 6 more million years and we’ll make it. Birds, by contrast, have had 500 million years to get their act together. They’ve sorted out their differences. They are united and sly, and we have to do something about them.
Sadly we’ve gone to war against the wrong tribes. We’re killing domestic fowl. This is how low we stoop. Killing our domestic fowl will get us nowhere. What we need is intelligence. We need to penetrate the bird community. We need to break their ranks. Instead of killing chicken, we should be sending them after the bad guys. We should be sending them to boot camps to loose weight and get smart.
In my office, I have six chicks, not more than one week old, and already they can identify Dr. Crest from his picture on the wall. I am buying more chicks next week. Hundreds then thousands will be trained as bodyguards to high officials. Before long, well-trained chicken squads will be patrolling our skies. SWAT chicken teams in camouflage feathery will stand by for special missions. As for food, don’t worry. In a few weeks, you will all be able to order KFV anywhere in this country. Former bird spies, caught in the action, will soon be available through my new chain: Kentucky Fried Vultures. That’ll teach them.
