The Americans have been trying to redraw the map of the Middle East, a tedious and costly process as it turned out.
One of my close friends is part of that endeavor. You may remember him, Dan, the three-star general who couldn’t find Saddam’s cache of weapons of mass destruction. It wasn’t his fault, we all know. And yet it was all one big disappointment. Prior to the war, I had told Dan to take along a few boxes of anthrax just in case, but he was too proud to cheat. The boxes still sit beside the sofa in my sitting room. Madiha has covered them with a lace cover I bought from Cyprus two years ago and put two crystal candle holders on top, a nice touch. Perhaps I should keep them there, although Yuri has been begging to have them. His new friends in Uzbekistan have international ambitions but not enough cash yet.
Dan has just bought a house on a Greek island and fitted it with period furniture, security cameras and reinforced doors. As the United States chief propagandist for North Africa and the Middle East, he needs a place to entertain. I put him in touch with Kostas Hadjipaoulou, who owns another villa nearby and is willing to sell it at the right price. A prime spot, if you want to keep track of Dan’s movements. I told Dan to buy it before someone else does.
“Forget about democracy and Iraq being a model. How about if we call the U.S. effort in Iraq an urban renewal program (URP)? The folks back home will love it. The American public knows a thing or two about inner city problems. Perhaps American planners would get interested in that national effort. Gentrification, that’s our line. That’s what we’re doing in Iraq.
My plan, as I explained it to Dan, was simple. We’ll demolish Iraqi towns one at a time. The work involves explosives, of course. But not in the way it’s been done. Instead of bombs being fired from afar or delivered in trucks or belts worn by impressionable young volunteers, we’ll do it professionally. Every town in Iraq will be offered a URP initiative, complete with financial incentives. Any town agreeing to knock down all existing residential neighborhoods, save for historic sites, would be offered a financial reward. Bomb experts, recruited from among the population to guarantee sustainability, would then blow the city to smithereens according to a timetable. The inhabitants would be temporarily relocated to Dubai or Darfur until their towns, full of schools and parks and designer stores, are rebuilt in the same location, simple really.
“You’ve been trying to redraw the map of the region for how many years now? And yet I cannot see anything happening. Apart from Iraq falling apart, Sudan disintegrating and Iran getting all red in the face, I see no progress. Dan agreed. Unlike many of his peers, he knows how to listen, and who to talk to.
“One city per month. That’s my plan. How many cities does Iraq have left? Not many really. Everyone will go on vacation for a while, get a suntan, and by the time they’re back, they won’t believe their eyes. It’ll be all hotels and ballrooms and bowling alleys. They’ll love it, trust me. I know the designers. We’ll make it look like Las Vegas with a touch of Katmandu. I will see to it myself, for the usual fees.
I gave Dan drawings of model towns, garden cities, non-smoking neighborhoods, children’s parks and the works to show to his superiors. And these were just optional. “These are blueprints. You don’t even have to use them except for illustration. I tell you what, forget the maps. Have a contest in Iraqi schools and universities about the kind of neighborhoods Iraqis want to live in. Engage the population. Generate enthusiasm. Offer hope.
I like my maps though, and my gut tells me that most Iraqis will too. It’s a vision of the future, security gates everywhere, compounds connected through intercom systems but separated by barbed wire, neon signs advertising the next summer collection and the latest sun lotions, and cosmetic surgery centers at each and every shopping mall. It’s glamour with an edge; a bit of Beverly Hills meets the Green Zone. I always wanted to do something avant-garde for the region. This is my chance. And it’s not just about the money, although it doesn’t hurt.
“You know Dan, there is a massive shortage of sniffing dogs in this region. Keep this under your hat, but I have a new dog compound in Dahshour that will start turning out 1,000 sniffing puppies a month starting November, Poodles too. With your connections and mine, we’ll corner the market, from Irbib to Darfur. We’re going to be rich, Dan. We’re going to be the puppy kings.
