The Iranians finally came back with a contract. I had promised them a medium-size empire, lasting maybe two or three generations, and they loved the idea. I mentioned to the Iranian negotiator that I would demand a medium-size country for my efforts. No problem, Ahmed Tabatabani said. “We know you want Tunisia, but why don’t you check out Tajikistan first? You might like it.
The reason I do my job so well is I know a lot of people, and they all owe me. Take for example Sheikh al-Toreiki who’s just lashed out at Marcello’s coffee chain for no apparent reason. I don’t know if you’ve been following the Martha Wood Show, but it’s unbelievable. The Saudi sheikh was adamant that Marcello was arming the Israelis during the recent war. Marcello who couldn’t arm a chicken. Marcello who I had to remove from the Palermo operation after he almost got us all caught.
Here is what really happened. Marcello’s mom lives in Tel Aviv and runs a small café near her house. She gave some kids from the neighborhood cookies and they happened to be soldiers. Marcello’s mom is 80 and all kids remind her of her grandchildren, I told Martha that. But the show host needed a story and she ran it anyway. Had Martha not been an old friend, I would have had someone talk to her plastic surgeon, and the silly smirk would be frozen on her face forever. But enough of that.
Now I had two offers: Tunisia from the Americans for redrawing the Middle East map, and Tajikistan from the Iranians for giving them a decent empire. How would I pull it off? Simple, really.
Suppose someone fed al-Toreiki the line about Marcello arming Israel. And suppose Marcello reacted by having a prominent Italian newspaper lash out at the Saudi government. Now what if the Italian government, bowing to public pressure, blocked the sale of an expensive defense system to the Saudis? And what if Marcello’s newly-opened, centrally-located café in Damascus got bombed?
Think of all the money changing hands so far. The Germans or someone else would supply the Saudis with the hardware they wanted, making a bundle. And as foreign businesses scurry out of Damascus to nearby Beirut, someone is going to make another bundle. Someone in the right place at the right time, that’s all it takes. That’s what people in my line of business call bread and butter. I call it peanuts.
I didn’t bring in Nellie all the way from DC for nothing. You know Nellie, don’t you? The woman who fooled Saddam into fighting two ill-fated wars? Well, she’s working for me now.
Nellie was sitting with me the other day. In front of her was a table covered with coffee beans, Italian coffee beans, a gift from Marcello actually. Nellie was sitting there, redrawing the map of the Middle East, rearranging the beans in a grid pattern, then twisting the lines into any number of combinations. Her first scheme was bizarre. It involved a global warming pattern progressively compounded by seismic activities that ultimately shift the entire Red Sea to the West, creating massive reef between Egypt and Saudi Arabia. The reef would be useful in future territorial disputes, she promised.
“No Nellie. Has she lost her mind? “We want something more practical, not a tsunami.
An hour later she came back with a better scheme. “Think of this, Nellie said. “Anti-Italian sentiments in the Arab world soar over Marcello’s alleged backing of Israel or something similar. A couple of timely bombings in Florence or Milan sets off a nationalist frenzy in Italy. Within weeks, the Italian interior ministry starts rounding up illegal immigrants in a nation-wide campaign allegedly targeting the Muslim community. Now she was talking.
“As tempers run high, someone would attack the Vatican and leave evidence behind implicating the Syrians. We have such evidence, don’t we? She said.
“Are you joking? I can implicate the pope in a Vatican bombing if you want me to.
“Excellent. How about the Syrians doing something silly right afterwards? Can you get them to invade Jordan?
“Not out of the blue. Let’s start with a major assassination on either side of the borders until I think of something, I said.
Nellie and I are still working on the details. But if all goes to plan, a new balance of power might just emerge, with Syria and Iraq altered beyond recognition. The Iranians would have the mini-empire they crave. And a small but powerful federation would emerge around and including Israel. The Americans would be so thrilled to see the Israelis happy, they’d take my advice and get off Tehran’s back. The loss of human life would be terrible of course. So I would help rebuild the Sistine Chapel just to ease my mind. The donation would go through Marcello’s company and his business would flourish once again. The world would have better coffee as a result. And I would get the usual fees, plus a country or two.
