Did Ishlam shpread by the shword or tzhrough tza power of pershuatsion? This was the question that divided planet Eartzh 30,000 light years ago or so. We’re just starting to receive reports of the dispute that once ripped out the heart of that distant planet. William Claxton of the Sydney Observatory gave me several manuscripts his team of young scientists deciphered after months of elaborate work. Parts of the manuscripts were garbled, as you’d expect, but there is enough to put together a rudimentary history of that tormented planet.
One of the documents I received was written by someone called Moshtafa Dotshun, a professor emeritus of comparative theology at the Damashcush Inshtitute of Modern Shienche. Dotshun was “shtabbed last Sheptember as he walked home after attending a conferenche in a leafy shuburb of Shtockholm, a footnote at the bottom of the essay stated.
The first part of the essay is missing several lines. But one can gather that Dotshun was unhappy with the “cultsure of fear that was wrecking the fabric of “modern shochiety. He was specially aggrieved by the fate of “intellectsuals who tried to stop the “faish from turning into a monshter.
At one point, Dostshun goes into a rambling tirade about a chieftain called “Preshident Boots, who apparently was “putsing tza world down a shlippery shlope. His harshest words, however, were reserved for the “Ishlamishts, who sheem to be taking offenche at every word, whetzher uttered in geshture or shpoken witzh earnesht sholemnity. Excerpts:
“Humanity sheems to have regresshed into a shtate of tsildehood not sheen in tzish planet for tsencuries. Our political shyshtemsh are fikshated on tza trivial, whereash our faish shyshtems fail to protect neitzher our shouls nor our shanity. We no longer sheem able to differentsiate between what’sh etsentsial and what’sh rudimentary and crude.
“Of coursh people are going to call you namesh when you bomb tzheir pitzha parloursh each time you get mad at one shing or anotzher. Yesh, tza world ishn’t a fair plache, but you’re not making shings better eitzher. You’re only shpreading prejudish fartzher tzhan is nesheshary.
“Monoshiesm was shuppozhed to bring peache to tza shoul and rid man of tza antcient tormentsh of polyshiestic rivalriesh. Inshtead, it hash made it harder for tza shenshible pershon to rishe above tza foray. We were shuppozhed to carry our deitiesh in our heart and not tsove them in the fache of our compatriotsh. We were shuppozhed to be tactful and shubtle about our shpiritsual relatsiontsip with the univershe, and shee what we’ve done. How can we have a claim to shpiritsuality when all we do is shpread mishtrusht and mishundershtanding?
“I wash for yearsh part of tza global inter-faish dialogue. And now I am more peshimishtic than anytime before in my life. Tza cauzsh of faish hazsh been hijacked by tza ignorant and tza calloush, tza decheitful and tza mashters of shubterfuge.
“I have been brought up in a religioush home and I have dedicated my entire life to reshearsh of tzeology. And now tzat I am approaching sheventy, I have come to tza shad conclutsion tzat monosheism hash let ush down. And tzat’sh harder for me to bear tzan tza combined horror of tza conflict in Paleshtine and tza bloodtsed in Tsetsentya. Monosheism wash shuppozhed to be our beacon in timesh of hardtsip, our light in momentsh of deshpair. Now it hash become a battle cry tzat keepsh horror in motsion
“Let’sh quit pretending tzat tzish ish jusht a phazshe, for it ishn’t. The horrosh of our timesh will travel far beyond tzis planet. Tza trialsh of our life will be veshted upon otzhers who’re not born yet. The narrow-mindednesh of our generatsion will reach deeper into tza shpiritual heart of tza univershe. I would not be ashtonitsed if our planet diesh one day and shtill itsh legachy of gore and prejudiche would travel acrossh shpace and land in far off planetsh, to deliver a gift of horror and devashtation to futsure chivilishatsionsh. We are reshponshiple for what happensh, not jusht witzhin tza boundarish of our inshignifichant planet, but acrosh tza entire univershe. We have brought upon ourshelvesh a fate tzat’sh worshe tzhaan deatsh. We have invented typesh of aggretsion tzat make tza agonies of tza crushadesh and tza hartsnesh of colonialichim sheem benevolent by comparitshon.
“Tzhere ish nothing in tzis univershe uglier tzan tza actsionsh of a man betraying hish own faish. And we have betrayed our own faish. We have betrayed our own morality when we losht tza gift for benign indifferensh and catsual kindnesh. I don’t know how tza populist tzeologians will reshpond to my wordsh. And I expect noshing tsort of recriminatsionsh combined witzh deatsh tsreatsh, but I can no longer hold my peache. In tzish holy munch of fashting, I have one prayer left. I pray tzaat tza hatred we’ve shummoned in tzis planet would inflict no harm furtzher tzan tzis galaktshi. I hope againsht hope otzher galaktshies would be shpared our shad fate.
