Sex can survive a marriage, but rekindle your passion
Despite being a taboo subject, whispered conversations among friends and open discussion with professional therapists confirm that many couples are suffering in “sexless marriages. Between grueling hours at work – for both the husband and wife, being subjected to high levels of stress, and demanding kids under foot it’s no wonder that married couples have little time for romance.
“I can’t even remember the last time my husband and I were intimate, said Yasmine*, a 35-year-old mother of two. “I come home from work exhausted. Then I have to prepare dinner, get the kids ready for bed. By the time I get to bed I want to sleep. Just sleep.
And she’s not alone. Diminishing sexual desire is often a side effect of parenting. Mothers of young children are devoted to their offspring. Sometimes they can become so absorbed in their new role as a mother, that they take a step back from their role as a loving, intimate wife. During this stage, couples risk giving into the stresses of parenthood and becoming estranged.
“My day is full. I work in the morning and drive the children to their practice and birthdays and doctors appointments and finish their homework, said Dina*, 29 and the mother of two young boys. After being married for eight years, she estimates that they have sex about once a month.
“My husband comes back from work at six or seven, says hello to the children, has lunch sleeps for two hours. When he wakes up, he sits on the computer about two hours and then approaches me. By that time I am ready to kill him, not make love. I just can’t. I want to be left alone in peace, Dina explained.
There’s a common myth that low levels of desire is more common among women than men. This is not true. Therapists and counselors at the Marriage and Family Health Center for problems of sexual desire in the United States, calculated that from the couples that seek their help, in about 50 percent of the cases the male is the partner with the low desire.
Making the transition for a married couple to parenthood can strain the intimacy of some relationships. “When I first got married, my wife made me feel that I came first. Once you have kids everything changes. Our kids are 8 and 12, and I’m still vying for her attention, said Haytham*, 43. “Where’s the sexy woman I married?
Other sources of stress don’t make it easier. “I’m under so much pressure at work. When I get home I just want to unwind. I do love my wife. But sometimes I resent her for putting pressure on me at home too. That’s definitely not sexy, complained Seif*, 35.
Gone are the carefree days when couples don’t have to make an appointment with your spouse to schedule some intimacy in your busy schedules.
A “sexless marriage is defined by therapists as couples who have sex 10 times a year or less. There aren’t any statistics available on how many married couples in Egypt are putting their sex life on the back burner. Discussing the issue with married couples makes it clear that it’s not uncommon.
Marriage counselors can’t give you a firm answer to how much sex a couple should be having. Most, though, would agree that married couples should be having some. Sex may only be one characteristic of a healthy relationship, but it seems to be a common factor of happy marriages.
An article in Menstuff outlines some of the many benefits of sex: “Being sexual with a beloved partner has verified benefits for your health. These include the healing power of spiritual and emotional intimacy, the health benefits of touch, stress reduction, increased blood flow to the rest of your body, anti-depressant benefits, lower cholesterol, better sleep and more.
“I know we should be having sex. I know that always turning him down is causing a strain on our relationship. But I’m tired of being nagged about it. The more he pressures me, the more I want to say no, Sahar*, 34, said. The longer they go without having sex, she explains, it becomes harder to see a solution. “I don’t see how we’re going to overcome this problem. And she’s worried that she’s going to lose her husband as a result.
Before you go listing out the benefits to your spouse in hopes of resuscitating a sexual relationship that is on its last legs, there are other ways to rekindle the passion.
One way of reviving the intimacy of your relationship, you and your spouse need to make a joint decision prioritize “we time. Set aside a day once a week for date night. Make sure you shut out all responsibilities – put the kids to sleep (better yet send them to your parents’ for the night), put your mobile phones on silent – and make sure there wont’ be any unwanted interruptions. Then spend a few hours reconnecting. Talk, lie down together, and enjoy each other’s bodies, but don’t feel under pressure to have sex.
Chances will improve when you continue to spend more time together. The simple act of giving each other the clear message that you are prioritizing your emotional and physical intimacy, despite the pressures of work and parenting.
* Names have been changed to protect the identity of the speaker
