The Daily Star Egypt continues its exploration of Internet dating in Egypt.
Finding love has never been easy, but in a socially conservative, booming metropolis like Cairo it can be especially hard. Romantic ballads blast from every radio and marriage is supposed to be the ultimate goal, but that doesn’t mean that love is easy to come by. Young men have the daunting task of saving up money to provide for their bride, while many young women are pressured to please their families, and attract a husband, by being well-behaved and religious.
Faced with all this stress, some young people escape online to make friends and find potential mates. But many of those who do find that while the Internet is a new way to make a love connection anywhere in the world, there’s still no way to upgrade past break-ups and heart ache. Leila Abdel Salam, 28, is a successful professional woman who cares deeply about her Islamic faith. She works for a religious charity in downtown Cairo, has never been married, and lives with her parents. After graduating from university she found that it wasn’t so easy to meet new people in the working world. So she signed online and began chatting about religion.
“I was in a Yahoo! group called Islamic Pen-pals because I was looking for spiritual guidance, she says. She also began chatting on Yahoo! Messenger with other group members. Her user profile displayed a picture of the Kabaa in Mecca.
“Sometimes you just meet people who want to have sex online, or who think that just because you’re chatting you’re cheap or easy. So I uploaded this picture so that everyone would know that I’m not looking for anything like that.
Eventually, she hit it off with one of her Islamic pen-pals. His name was Ryan. He was British, 13 years her senior, and converted to Islam years ago. He lived in the north of England and sent a message to the group about his plans to make a pilgrimage to the graves of holy men in India. Leila thought a pilgrimage like that was against Islam, and sent him a message to tell him so.
“I sent him an email and said this isn’t Islam, this is wrong and you shouldn’t be doing it. It’s shirq, it’s like you believe in two gods, she says. “If you worship at a shrine because someone is buried there, it is like you are seeking them. But the only one you should seek is God.
Ryan responded to her email, addressing her as “brother, and so she responded to tell him that she was in fact a sister. After that, they kept in touch and were soon emailing frequently.
“We ended up emailing a lot and talking about life and our interests and stuff. And then pictures came in to it, too, she says. “Then one day he sent me a really funny email and told me ‘from now on I will think of you as my wife.’ He didn’t even ask me to marry him, he just said ‘from now on I will think of you as my wife.’
At the time, Leila was thrilled.
“I was so naïve and stupid about it, she says. “I was crying in the British Council library when I read that email. I don’t remember how soon he told me he thought of me this way, but it didn’t seem fast to me. It made sense. I was so much in love with him. We used to talk and share our ideas, and we had so many things in common . When Leila told her parents about her online courtship, their reaction was mixed.
“My father and brothers were ok with the idea. My dad said he just wanted to make sure that Ryan was a respectful person who could take care of me, she says. “But my mom was really upset. She said ‘he will take you away, he wont take care of you, maybe he has another family that you don’t know about, those people are not true believers, who know why he converted.’
A year after they met online, Ryan came to Egypt to formalize their engagement. Fearing her family’s reaction, Leila did not tell them he was in town. She wanted to wait until everything was perfect so they could not reject him.
But in the meantime, they began to have problems. “At the time he didn’t have a job or a house. He still doesn’t as far as I know. He lives in a small town in the north of England, and plays the north Hiberian bagpipes on the street for money, she explains. “He said that after we were married he wanted me to stay here in Egypt. He said it would be better for the family and children because it is cheaper to live in Egypt, but then he said he didn’t want to have kids. He said he hated kids.
Most surprising of all, Ryan revealed to her that he had been married once before, although he never mentioned that in a year of online chatting. With all these shocks, things between them began to change. Uncertain of their future, Ryan returned to England in a rush after becoming sick with Hepatitis A. They stayed in touch for several months, until one day Leila got an email. Ryan was sorry. It wasn’t her, it was him. They just weren’t meant to be.
After they broke up, the two stayed in touch and tried to be friends. Ryan returned to Egypt last winter on holiday, but when they met up things were different. He was afraid that Leila was trying to woo him back. She was doing her best to get over him. In the end, he left Egypt without saying goodbye.
At her age, when many Egyptian women already have school-aged children, Leila says she is not sure that she will ever marry. Her internet romance has shaken her faith in romantic love, but she says it has shown her what values are really important – all of the ones her former fiancé lacked.
“In a marriage, love is not the most important thing, she says. “Compassion is, and forgiveness and understanding. Passion gets cold, it cools down and people change. But if I found someone I could have compassionate friendship with, then I wouldn’t mind that. I could se myself going out with them, and maybe marrying them later.
“Love is good, if you can have it, she adds. “But in today’s world, let me tell you, compassion is a more trust-worthy thing.
