CAIRO: Taher, 35, is getting married in a few months, and preparing for the long-awaited night. He’s actively inquiring about the best way to approach his bride, alternately provoking the concern and mockery of those who try to advise him.
Taher is not the only one who continues to be ignorant about such matters at an age where he is expected to be experienced. But he is willing to talk it out frankly and without shame. “I have never had sex in my entire life, he admits.
Shawky is also 35. He tied the knot with an educated girl from a well-to-do family, but shortly after, the bride went back to her parents asking them tearfully to help her get a divorce. For several weeks Shawky abused his new bride, insisting on having sex every single day. To set the mood, he would play pornographic movies or turn the TV to sex channels.
“What could I do? I got married to make up for the repression I had to suffer all these past years, said Shawky.
Shawky’s key words were “sexual repression, which most experts agree is one of the ills of Egyptian society. It is to this malady they attribute new phenomena such as gang rape and temporary marriages as well as the dramatic increase in the number of illegitimate children that often pass as orphans.
That is, of course, in addition to the growing number of aimless relationships and related abortions, infanticides and divorces resulting from sexual incompatibility.
According to Carl Jung, the founder of modern psychology, sexual repression isn’t just about stifling a basic instinct. It also causes a kind of moral and spiritual deterioration accompanied by a deep sense of desperation and worthlessness because sex is a vital energy that helps maintain inner balance.
According to one group of men and women, sexual repression is a reality we need to confront, especially amid a faltering economy that has had dire affects on the sacred institution of marriage.
Marriage is delicately tied to employment and housing, which are affected by the state of the economy. For these reasons, marriage has for decades been shaken by the various blows dealt to these essentials. Consequently, the average marriage age has been on the rise, with a growing number of people marrying at what is considered a late age.
While some abstain from having sex because they cannot afford to get married, others choose to wait until they are married. In both cases, the problems of sexual frustration begin to manifest themselves in a range of behaviors that can reach as far as crime or extremism.
The problem has been aggravated by the advent of globalization and technology. The internet is becoming accessible to a growing number of people, and the prevalence of satellite television means more people have access to pornographic material. Technology has also facilitated communication between the sexes – all of which adds to the toll of sexual repression that finds little vent.
Analysts say the problem was brought to the forefront in Nov. 2006, when a crowd of male cinemagoers harassed women – both veiled and not veiled – in downtown Cairo, tearing the clothes off some and molesting others.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, others have turned deeply religious and have internalized their frustration, which brings its own set of serious consequences.
“Don’t underestimate it; we are verging on disaster, warned Nabil Amer, a retired engineer. “At one time, these technologies were non-existent and men rarely interacted with women. A man could easily marry four women and live with them under one roof. Couples were able to get married at the age of 19 or 20, and women accepted polygamy as the status quo. There was no mixing of sexes, but certainly no repression, shouted the engineer.
The extremely liberal segments of society say the answer is sexual freedom.
But that’s easier said than done. To a great extent, sex is still linked to the trio of politics, religion and social taboos – three very sensitive topics that are still hard to debate openly even under the umbrella of democracy and press freedom.
The religious standpoint is unequivocal: no sex outside wedlock. While politicians are sometimes permissive, they ultimately have to tighten their grip to safeguard traditional moral standards and prove to their arch foe, the Muslim fundamentalists, that Islamic values are being upheld.
Amid this welter of conflicts, the sense of repression has become a time bomb.
When sex becomes an aim in itself and isn’t placed in its right perspective, the outcome is disastrous. Poverty, coupled with the absence of proper education about the issue, creates a primitive obsession with sex, said Bashar Abdel Salam, a Syrian blogger.
“I agree, said Ahmed Abdel Hamid, a translator. “So many people still perceive it as a kind of escapade in a dark street or a way to relieve the pressure of lust. Very rarely do young people associate it with emotional well-being, he said.
Experts suggest solutions that include sex education, the restructuring of social norms, and even government intervention – the last of which emerges as the most urgent since the problem remains closely linked to the economy.
“The way out should stem from our culture and religion, stressed Dr Ibrahim Eid, professor of psychology and director of the Psychiatric Clinic at Ain Shams University’s faculty of education.
“To borrow foreign models is equivalent to patching up the crisis rather than rooting it out. To start with, we should direct our efforts towards removing the obstacles facing marriage, he added.
“While people are required to be more practical by not insisting on high dowries and other material prerequisites that exhaust the couple’s resources, the government – as well as the new class of tax-exempt investors and businessmen that accumulate fortunes at the expense of the public – should also play its role, said Eid.
Nadra Wahdan, a sociologist at the National Planning Institute, believes that this solution will take time to materialize. She advises immediate troubleshooting: reducing the restrictions on relationships and legalizing prostitution.
“To encourage couple relationships while spreading the necessary awareness about such interactions should help reduce the pressure, she explained, “for sexual repression is not about sex-starved people so much as it is about frustration caused by the lack of interaction between sexes.
“I still believe that it was a big mistake to have prohibited legalized prostitution, which is an inevitable reality in each and every society. Even during the golden Islamic ages, brothels existed in districts of their own outside the city. Now each and every woman is subjected to harassment on the streets simply because prostitutes are not isolated in one place, she continued.
Eid, however, is not convinced. “To encourage prostitution or homosexuality as a way to overcome the problem, in addition to being an encroachment on our values, is not free of the threat of spreading sexually-transmitted diseases. However many precautions we take, new life-threatening diseases continue to be associated with the issue.
Some have opted for zawag al-muta – short-term marriages that are purely for pleasure. However, this type of marriage is still the subject of heated debate between Sunni and Shia Muslims.
Sunni Muslims reject it, but muta marriages have materialized under several forms such as urfi marriages (common-law marriage without a contract).
Institutionalizing these kinds of marriages is not exactly a remedy to society’s ills, as specialists warn of social anarchy if these kinds of marriages become prevalent.
It’s a dark prospect, and many Egyptians dilute the gravity of the situation by telling sexual jokes – another indication of sexual repression and a reflection of the mounting frustration.
