The relationship between an agency and a client is frequently described as “a marriage.
Talk about setting the bar low.
Personally, I would have gone with a happier metaphor*. I guess when people invoke the marriage metaphor, it’s possible they mean that while they expect it to be a relationship fraught with challenges, a little patience, a lot of hard work and a great deal of collaboration will make it rewarding in the end.
Or it could be a reference to the fact that 55 percent of all marriages end in divorce and the rest of them feature an inordinate level of resentment, passive-aggression and outright hostility, on a daily basis. Egyptians even have a word for it that, as far as I can tell, isn’t translatable: nakkad.
Now, regular readers (all seven of you) have no doubt surmised over the past few columns that I am not a bitter man. I don’t have misanthropic tendencies nor do I possess a pessimistic disposition. Which is why when I say the chance of happiness in marriage is equivalent to windsurfing on a fresh lava flow and escaping with only a mild irritation, I’m simply being objective.
Let’s face it. Marriage is an outdated institution that’s been in need of an overhaul for the past 30 years. My suggestions? I’m glad you asked:
. Marriage should be on three-year renewable lease, with an option to buy after 15 years of good behavior.
. The marriage contract should contain clearly-defined objectives, performance criteria, weight clauses and specifically worded penalties for bad behavior.
. The contractors should be entitled to 52 vacation days a year (taken either in bulk or over installments) during which the terms of the marriage contract do not apply and any transgressions are not subject to punitive action.
. Finally, the families of said contractors are NOT allowed to visit or even call the married couple, except every third Saturday of the month, from 9 am to 4:30 pm. Something I like to call “visitation times.
Essentially, if marriage is to be successful, it needs to be run like the prison it really is.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not devoid of feelings. I have nothing against romance (and other branches of the science fiction genre) or the joys of advanced tickling (also known as s-e-x), a major reason why most people get married. But you can’t really argue that the concept of everlasting anything in this day and age is breathtakingly naïve.
In marriage and in advertising.
First of all, clients pay the agency for services rendered. Not many marriages I know work that way, and the ones that do operate under a slightly different name: prostitution.
Secondly, it’s “Til death do us part not “Til somebody better comes along.
But agencies are always looking to upgrade to a bigger, better paying client.
Ad employees are equally promiscuous, hopping around from one agency to another, in order to get ahead. Now, if everyone traded their spouses at the same clip as advertising, I’d have become a divorce lawyer instead of a columnist.
Thirdly, agencies live to pitch for new business, so as to increase their billing.
Pitches are a fun part of agency life because it’s a chance to break the routine with new and exciting things. This is the equivalent of being allowed to date other people when you’re married and I don’t know a lot of marriages where this is permissible – but I’d like to.
Lastly, most people stay in bad marriages due to the presence of children.
Fortunately, advertising doesn’t have any children. If you discount the creative department who act like children or the child labor employed by the client in their third world sweatshops.
Ok, so maybe what advertising is doing there is not so much being naïve as expressing a certain amount of optimism and hope in the future of any relationship they enter. Whereas what I’m doing here is exuding skepticism in their motives and expressing pessimism about their chances for everlasting “love.
But that’s advertising for you: glamorous and joyous on the outside, snarky and suspicious on the inside. And besides, a little pessimism isn’t a bad thing. Especially when you consider that for some people, the definition of pessimism is “realistic optimism. Any by some people, I mean me. See you next week.
*Or at least a more imaginative one, say an Oxpecker bird and a Hippopotamus. I don’t have time to explain; Google it – I did.
Mohammed Nassar was kidnapped at birth and forced to work in advertising, in Cairo, New York and London. Today, his main concern is that archaeologists will one day stumble upon his desk, debate the value of his profession and judge him.
