This week, on the advice of my editor, I m going to keep my opinions to myself. Her concern is that some of my vehement rants might be too dark for the bright, sunny world that you, the easily-startled readers, seem to inhabit.
Instead, I plan to blind you with science.
From the dark crevices of the mind of the (M)ad man come 10 rules that aim to reduce humanity to a series of infallible impulses and help you, the prospective (M)ad Man figure out the people around you. Here goes.
1. Nobody knows anything. It’s true, everyone just makes it up as they go along. You only have to look at the recent Wall Street meltdown to figure out that the smartest guys in the rooms are nothing more than the biggest talkers. The fact is that the truth, for something so seemingly absolute, is subjective and we can only decide on the version that suits us. Andre Gide said it best: “Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it.
2. Everybody lies. It’s human nature and it’s a simple matter of self-interest, self-preservation or self-delusion. Those who don’t lie, probably lie in the worst possible way: to themselves.
3. Everyone is scared of something. Don’t believe those who claim not to be scared or profess to have unshakeable confidence in anything. They’re just doing a better job hiding their fear than you are. And the more energy they spend hiding it, the bigger the fear that they’re hiding.
4. People will forgive you for anything, except embarrassing them.People don’t like looking stupid and if you play a part in making them look that way, they’re not likely to forget it. In fact, in my experience, it’s the grudge that dies slowest and motivates people to spend a lot of energy planning how to pay you back. If you have to point out somebody’s incompetence, allow them to maintain a little dignity.
5. There’s no limit to human greed.If I had a nickel for every time somebody wondered why billionaires were still greedy despite their wealth, I’d be a billionaire myself. With wealth comes a sense of entitlement, and that can be hard to contain. Also, rich people no longer view money as something that can buy things; to them, it’s a scoring system that helps them keep track of how much better (or worse) they’re doing than their friends.
6. Everyone’s favorite topic is themselves. This works for everyone: bosses, co-workers, girlfriends, CEOs, heads of state, lepers and probably aliens. Talk to people about themselves and you’ll never run out of things to talk about.
7. Human beings are not rational. We’re all a product of our capacities (mental, for one thing), our personality types, our opportunities and our backgrounds. Consequently, our rationality is variable and not very reliable. It’s actually been proven that people make decisions first and then use their intellect to come up with ways to justify them! In addition, the more rational you are, the more vulnerable to emotions you become, in that you find yourself ill-prepared to deal with them. Everyone thinks they’re rational but we can’t all be right.
8. There is no right or wrong: only consequences.Let’s put the ethical dimensions to one side for a second because the world at large doesn’t operate according to the relatively modern principle of ethics. Take nature, for instance. Or the business world, for another, as witnessed by the phrase that most often follows someone being screwed over: “It’s not personal, it’s business.
I’m not saying you should abandon your principles, just that you need to understand that a lot of the world doesn’t have any. All they understand are actions and probable consequences, and it’s a major mistake to forget that. 9. There’s a difference between being “correct and being “right. Tricky one, this. Let me use an example to illustrate it: research shows that Cocker Spaniels are among the smartest dogs around. This prompted the London Metropolitan Police to assign Cockers as police dogs. Replacing the tough-but-dumb Alsatians with the sharp-but-ridiculous cockers may have been the correct decision, but it certainly isn’t the right one. Need I say more?
10. If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say thing at all.This is probably the most ill-observed directive ever. After all, in a world that equates noise with communication and activity with achievement, it’s tough to convince a marketing executive that if they don’t have a story to tell about their product, they shouldn’t try and make one up. Sometimes, the right move is no move at all, while you wait for the right circumstances to present themselves.
I’m aware I promised you science this week and ended up giving you more opinions. But it’s not like I didn’t warn you about Law #2. See you next week, suckers.
Mohammed Nassarwas kidnapped at birth and forced to work in advertising, in Cairo, New York and London. Today, his main concern is that archaeologists will one day stumble upon his desk, debate the value of his profession and judge him. Feel free to email him at [email protected].
