We have never seen more marriages ending in divorce than in this decade but the concept of marriage counseling is still relatively new to Egypt.
Because of upbringing and rigid beliefs and habits, not many of the couples having problems seek to solve them in this non-traditional approach.
More often than not, the burden to ‘fix it’ still lies on the woman’s shoulders.
Although Nihal Farouky, a counseling psychologist that specializes in relationships believes that both a man and a woman share equal responsibility for the success or failure of any relationship, women in Egypt still carry the larger burden in a society where men resist counseling and the equal slice of responsibility towards partnership is still a dream away.
Of course, there is no single solution that works for everyone, and different things work for different people but the next best thing to professional therapy will have to be Farouky’s free therapy “before and after advice for all the ladies out there.
Before marriage:
“Who am I? Raised one way, being exposed to another and living a third reality can confuse anyone. To avoid an identity crisis phase in your 40s learn who you are before you settle – know thyself.
Being female in Egypt you move from your father’s house where you are used to doing things his way, to your husband’s house where you learn to do things a new way, then one day you wake up confused about where you are in any of it.
Secondly, identify your “slice . Step out of the cultural box and ask yourself what boundaries and limits you have set; are there good reasons for them? That way you will take responsibility towards the part you choose to play in the relationship.
Everyone has issues. All issues start at home. To know your partner before marriage observe his behavior in particular situations when dealing with his family because that will be carried on to you. If he screams at his mother on the phone, know he will do the same with you.
The saying “Opposites attract! is but a myth. People by nature go towards what is familiar. A woman is more likely to marry someone close in nature to her father. If you are in an airport in China with everyone speaking Chinese and you notice a group of Egyptians speaking in Arabic, you are naturally inclined to go and stand there.
After marriage:
ACTION- REACTION defines marriage. Do not get yourself caught up in the blame game. Avoid confrontational problems, abusive relationships are provoked from one side and end with a cycle in which each partner wants to hurt the other in order to feel better.
Communication, communication, communication is a crucial asset in any relationship. Communication skills are not taught in our society, or practiced and many are not aware of the skill.
Your partner is the person that can please you the most, and hurt you the most; he knows your weak points as you know his, to avoid defensive insecure behavior, it is important to learn how to communicate in a way you are both comfortable with.
Relationship is about partnership not ownership. Everyone has a separate life, be it at work or if the woman is a house wife, her work at home, and they are both equal in significance and have a dependent relationship. If one aspect is going well, it reflects on the other and vice-versa.
What makes a relationship fail is the lack of the third component of that equation: the relationship a couple has together. Usually with the stress in life each partner continues to have their own path after their working day is over when that should be the rarity not the norm.
Find your balance. Do not get caught up in labels. People are individuals and must learn what works to balance their relationship. Learn to differentiate between what you are looking for in a partner in theory and what works for you in practice.
Time out! If you do not make time for yourself, it will eventually catch up with you later on in life. Take time off once a week, away from your husband and children, even an hour to unwind and reboot yourself.
If you know he cheats. Either you take a full stand or remain to act stupid. Avoid giving mixed messages or he will just continue in action.
On the one hand you are telling him you will under no circumstances tolerate this behavior yet you stay and continue to accept it. So? Actions speak louder than words.
History repeats itself. To break a negative cycle, the couple needs therapy or in the case of an introvert self-therapy can be done only when the person recognizes the behavior hated.
Remember its people that save marriages. Respect, love, communication and sex are basic guidelines but it’s up to the two of you to make it work. In the meantime, women can try working with the supplied guidelines.
