Carlita Mikalovic, the NUN deputy secretary general, called me for the third time in one week. “Talk to your friends, we cannot allow this war to continue. I couldn’t agree more. When the NUN (New United Nations) was created seven years ago, it made its message clear to all member states. Global resources were under threat and the entire human species needed to save water and fuel. Chapter II of the NUN charter calls on all nations to “desist from all hostile actions that involve a waste of renewable resources. All bombs, member states agreed, are to be made of recyclable material. In the case of war, every nation would collect all shells that fall in its territories and send them back to the Bomb Recycling Center in Geneva, where they would be recalibrated and redistributed.
I am proud to have helped write the new NUN charter. We couldn’t allow this planet to implode under the weight of hostilities, could we? “Human life is expendable, I told the Seventh World Environmental Forum, “but the life of planets, insects and other species must be guarded from waste and wilful abuse.
So imagine the horror with which the world watched as Israel, Lebanon and Palestine started lobbing life-giving substances at each other, instead of NUN-approved ammunition. It all started with a quarrel in NUN-administered Jerusalem between a 12 year old Jewish boy and a 14 year old Palestinian girl. The girl is said to have uttered a racial slur about hallumi-eaters, which in Jerusalem’s western quarter is considered quite offensive, equalled only by the utterly unacceptable “steam my veggies. The boy retorted with “your father eats un-toasted garlic bread, the same sentence that triggered the Turkish-Armenian conflict a century ago.
Within a week or so, the attacks started, all in clear violation of NUN regulations. International observers, who had been deployed in the region specifically to stop such incidents, assure us that a proper conflict was quite viable, for every house had been supplied with NUN-issued rifles and grenades in accordance with international law. But in a quirky region such as this is, the rules get twisted.
There is nothing wrong with war. For the past 20 years or so, the international community has been in agreement that the loss of human life costs the planet less than the loss of water and fuel. The current NUN charter has no provisions banning or discouraging war. As my friend the late James Perkins from Princeton used to say, “Let nations have their wars. Why upset them? The Americans agreed, the Russians needed a nudge or two before signing, then other nations followed suit. Now our only rule for war is that no one is allowed to use depletable resources. Short and simple, and yet some people don’t seem to get it.
In Palestine, we now know, bakers went to action, working overnight to prepare banned organic bombs to lob into Israel. The Swiss have allegedly smuggled internationally-banned guacamole into Israel, in crates marked NUN-approved ammunition. And the Iranians are said to have provided Lebanese militia with weapons-grade sesame seeds, although Tehran denies it.
We don’t even know who fired the first shot. But massive amounts of feta cheese-stuffed falafel started raining on Israeli villages, soiling garden furniture and leaving greasy spots on freshly-washed linens. The Israelis retaliated with egg-shaped tortillas, filled with guacamole, turning Gaza and the West Bank into a wasteland. And the Lebanese, no doubt in solidarity with the Palestinians, did the unthinkable. The tabboula-filled pocket bread they fired would explode in the air, covering entire villages with chopped parsley. It all happened in full view of the international observers, who were unable to stop the carnage and were subsequently pulled out for their own safety.
This is a war that threatens to break all international norms and regulations. This is a war that may engulf the whole region, if not the world. Therefore, I add my voice to that of Carlita and all those concerned for the safety of this planet. If you want to have war, that’s fine by all means. But you cannot waste renewable resources at a time when the planet is starved for water and fuel. You have to stick to NUN-approved recyclable shells, made of reassembled cell phones and melted CD’s. This planet belongs to all of us, not just the Jews and Arabs.
The international community is not going to let you destroy the new world order. We’re not going to let you to repeat what you’ve done in 2006. We’re not going to stand idly by as you flout one set of international regulations after another and drag us all into endless conflict. It has taken us years to build international consensus and lay the ground rules, and we have no intention of doing it all over again. The NUN is here to stay and its regulations will be respected by all. You may not know that, but the NUN has been stockpiling recycled pasta since Namibia and I can assure you it is not afraid to use it. Under ordinary circumstances, that would be the last thing I advise, but these are not ordinary circumstances. So consider this is an ultimatum.
