CAIRO: Since my recent lecture in Vienna, many have written to ask about my regional omelet theory. Let me start by saying that I am not out to discredit the views of Prime Minister Blair or Secretary Condoleezza Rice. I find their recipes for a new Middle East both refreshing and tantalizing. But as you know, it is easier to suggest a recipe than to get it right. So for a change, I will refrain from offering new recipes of my own. I will just describe what the regional cooks are doing, so you know what to expect.
The new Middle East is a big omelet waiting to happen. The good news is that I hear the eggs cracking. The bad news, I am not sure about the cooks. Making a regional omelet is an art form that only a few people have mastered. The British and the French made an omelet out of this region a century or so ago. They hacked at the shell of an aging empire, scrambled the contents, and enhanced the flavor with nationalist rivalries. Their recipe proved to be controversial and they were escorted out of the kitchen a few decades back.
Now we have two more cooks in our midst. Please meet Big Bad Terrorist (BBT) and Mad Max. The two internationally-acclaimed chefs are now competing for our regional palate. Their contest is being televised across the world, and everyone has been wondering: who’s going to win? Before I answer this question I have to remind you that both Mad Max and BBT are picky eaters. Mad Max wants to throw away the yolk (anyone who pisses off the Jews), and BBT wants to throw away the egg white (anyone who pisses off the Muslims). Sadly, this means they’ll have to break more eggs than is strictly needed.
I have been asked: how many eggs it takes to make a good Middle East omelet? My short answer is seven.
The Arab League was formed by seven states in 1945. It grew to 14 countries in the fifties, then to 21 or more now. So it’s safe to assume that if you have one-third of those countries on your side, you stand a chance. The last man who tried to make a Middle East omelet was Gamal Abdel Nasser in the 1960s. He failed, but I don’t know of anyone who ever came closer to success. So let’s use him as our benchmark.
How many eggs did Nasser have? Were they Egypt, Syria, Iraq, Algeria, Yemen (almost), Palestine (tentatively), Libya (briefly). That’s seven in total. And yet Nasser died in 1970 without delivering his dream omelet. The reason Nasser failed is that some of the eggs got slippery in the handling. Syria lost interest in unity after three years. Iraq danced to its own tune. The Yemenis hated us once we bombed a mountain village too many. The Palestinians thought hijacking planes was more fun. And the Algerians went to night classes to learn Arabic and slept late.
Let’s check on Mad Max and see how he’s doing? His team has already cracked or seriously fractured Libya, Sudan, Palestine (perhaps), Lebanon (underway), Yemen (on the fence), Kuwait, and of course Israel. That’s seven eggs, not bad at all. The only problem is that Mad Max tends to break too many bridges and power plants while cooking. His omelets have been praised as powerful and visionary by some. But I find his specialty, omelets with debris and charred metal, too intense.
Our second contestant is someone I’ve known for 20 years now or more. BBT has been going around the region wearin a green bandana, looking for what he calls divine eggs. For him cooking is not a mundane art, but a sacred task. He told me recently that the trick is all in the ingredients. This is why he has been traveling far and near in search for inspiration. BBT has cracked or seriously fractured Algeria (slippery), Jordan (small crack), Iraq (big crack), Lebanon (small crack), Egypt (small crack), Sudan (double yolk, one inaccessible), Somalia (where is that?). This makes seven eggs in total. BBT is confident and promises an omelet with the sweet aroma of afterlife.
So here is the deal. We have two world-class cooks in our kitchen, and they promise us a great breakfast if we’d only spend the night. Their offer is not to be taken lightly, for between them, they have taken possession of two-thirds of our eggs.
My only problem is that both chefs are prima donnas and having them in one kitchen has presented practical difficulties. The last time I checked on them, BBT and Mad Max were throwing pots and pans at each other and using bad language. And that was after they wrecked the dining table and half the living room furniture. Everyone keeps telling me how good these guys are, but something in the way they act turns my stomach.
